I love love love music and as a by product I generally love artists-not love like I want to marry them kind of love but more so their point of view. My first “love” was the purple masquerader himself. When Prince sang I imagined a different world, a beautiful world with lace and doves and beautiful things. He introduced me to Vanity who was EVERYTHING to me. While my memory has proven to be a bit spotty, I do think she was my first idea of a beautiful woman. As I grew older, I got into hip hop…REALLY got into hip hop. And while MC Lyte was my favorite rapper for forever, I never wanted to look like or be like her. I wanted to be like the girls LL rapped about.

Fast forward to the Junior Mafia days, like most women I know today, Lil Kim was the QUEEN BEE for real (check out this promo for my play-a lot of women I know now still count her as an influencer). Kim had a dope style and a level of respect of a rapper-she was the ultimate guys’ girl-in my head anyway. Dudes wanted to hang with her and do her and she had her own. That’s what I strived for-I wanted to be someone that was cool, respected by men but I also wanted them to wanna do me (lol clearly I didn’t have to do them or want to do them back-I just wanted them to want me). I admit it may sound shallow but hey it’s my blog, if I can’t be honest here what’s the point (and a bigger point is coming so stop judging me and keep reading lol).

Fast forward more and you’ll find the Kanye era of my musical loves. Now obviously Ye is my “favorite artist IN THE WORLD” and I realize he has issues with security but I swear I thought Amber Rose was the most beautiful woman EVER when I saw her!

I don’t want to blame my perception of beauty or what I perceive as the ideal of a beautiful woman but it played a big part. I do/did have other ideals too…the problem with them is they don’t quite look like me or represent where I come from. For instance, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis was for forever my “goal” in being beautiful. Clearly no matter how much I worked out, changed my hair or dressed differently, I was not going to achieve that look! I not only appreciated Mrs. Kennedy’s look but moreso how people received/perceived her. She was like American royalty and that’s the thing that I desired.

Fast forward to the present. I remember when Oprah first had the Obama’s on her show. I remember think Mrs. Obama was really intelligent but not quite beautiful. Petty (yeah I know) but I can still recall her outfit. Her pants rose when she sat and she had on these flats, and her feet looked huge. From that point I kind of tuned out her interview. I realize she was highly intelligent and came from a great background of hard work and public service. I knew she’d be a great first lady for those things but she wasn’t really someone I considered “beautiful”. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection lately about beauty and what I want in a relationship and in this moment, my perspective has greatly changed. Michelle Obama is THE standard for me now when I consider beauty/the ideal woman. Can you imagine how much strength it takes to let your husband lead the free world, standing by his side as his wife when you could very well be on his “level”? I love love love her and when I look at her now I can’t help but see beauty-great skin, amazing hair and she’s physically fit.

My views are expanding and evolving…what are your views on beauty and can you recall what shapes those views?

For instance, this year I want to write more. My biggest tool for writing is my MacBook Pro, which isn’t supposed to give me any problems. It broke and when I took it to the shop last Sunday they said they had to send it back and I’d be without my computer for 5-7 days. Well my job requires a computer so I had to get my mom to ship me my old computer. That took a day so last Monday I had to work sans a laptop. Then on Tuesday I had an important meeting that went very well but since I didn’t have my computer with all of my pictures I couldn’t really follow through like I had intended. On Wednesday, I had the sniffles which around 11am turned into a loud sneezes and the chills which forced my job to send me home to work from home. I don’t particularly enjoy working from home so that was a drag. On Thursday I felt like crap and had to get better ASAP (payday is Friday so couldn’t miss that!). I did research online and found I should get a cortisone shot to get me right in a hurry. Problem was I don’t have health insurance so the visit for this $40 shot was going to run me like $150 which I just couldn’t afford at the time. Friday, one of my favorite girls had a house party, but I couldn’t go because I still wasn’t 100 percent. I got a break from the madness on Saturday (things seemed back to normal) but when I woke up on yesterday I knew the blues were still there…

Yesterday was a sucky day. I had a dream that brought up one of buzzers for feelings of inadequacy. It didn’t sit well. So I tried to go to yoga to get my mind off of it but it didn’t work. I left after 30 minutes of my 90 minute class (poor teacher thought she did something wrong). I went home, lit candles and turned on Adele-code for cry until you can’t breathe. When I dried my tears, I watched an old E! THS I had saved on Will Smith. That provided a ray of hope, then I took a nap which brought back all the “bad” feelings again. I went to pickup my computer, which was in excellent shape so that made me feel better and I got Cherry Berry (a cheaper, equally tasty version of Pinkberry) and went to the marina (not quite the best marina in the world but I figured going to the water would help). It was bad-luckily my shades were big enough to cover my eyes. Eventually I dragged myself home and tried to snap out of it. Well I didn’t try I promised myself I would…

TV helped-I watched Joel Osteen, the message “God Is In Control of the Storm”. (timely) Then I watched Gladiator-always motivating. Finally I tuned into Morgan Freeman’s Masterclass. This was EXACTLY what I needed! He gave so many pearls of wisdom that were helpful and insightful.

The highlight was when he said, “Just keep moving, just don’t lie down, just don’t give up, just don’t say i cant. Don’t quit.” That was the “it” I needed to hear. In that moment, I decided the day had panned out the way it should. I was sad because I was mourning something, the death of the not believing in myself and my abilities-afterall I’d carried those outdated beliefs for some time. Of course there was resistance in letting it go. This IS my time and every minor heartbreak is par the course. I’m going after my dreams. I have no choice. I’m all in, which brings me to my motivational song of the day…

Today’s song is Kanye West’s “I Wonder” because I’ve REALLY been dreaming of this moment my whole life. I’m ready, READY and have decided to get out of my own way…I’m not lying down. I’m not giving up. I’m not saying I can’t. I WILL NOT QUIT. I just wonder if I’ll remember these times WHEN it all comes to pass.